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Hilarious Nature Story, WARNING: ADULT THEME - Page 3

post #51 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nova View Post
the story makes no sense it's just bizzare
I agree 100%!!! I read it last night and lost after the 2nd sentence.
post #52 of 79
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by courtzzzz69 View Post
I agree 100%!!! I read it last night and lost after the 2nd sentence.
This is the second sentence: "There were two bears in the river fishing in a rapids area."

So seriously where did it become confusing, I realize this story is laden with sexuality but it is supposed to be, it's clearly semi-fictional and it really is supposed to have deeper meaning and to stimulate new thoughts about sex. What was so horrible about it, it wasn't written for the precise purpose of shocking people, it was crafted carefully to tap into people's subconscious desires and timeless sexual archetypes that we all carry with us.
post #53 of 79
Can someone PLEASE LOCK THIS THREAD?
post #54 of 79
Thread Starter 

.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sigmatic View Post
you're trying to be intellectual and meaningful - and i can understand that - but from you it comes off as ineffectual
This sentence reads like an Eminem lyric, props on rhyming the word intellectual with ineffectual.
I only noticed it the second time I read the post and I imagined you (well I imagined the actor in your avatar whom for convenience sake I have imagined is you) and me in a rap battle and I rap some crazy shit about an animal engaging in fetish sex and then I try to intellectualize it after the fact but you shut me down in the end with that exact lyric and right after you say Ineffectual" you hold the mike up and stare me DEAD in the eyes and then drop the mike and the crowd goes crazy and you get signed and I fail english.
post #55 of 79
Thread Starter 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nova View Post
Can someone PLEASE LOCK THIS THREAD?
Don't lock the thread, I will admit that I am a poor write and that every claim I have made is false if someone can provide a single shred of evidence instead of just venting on me and making fun of me just for the sake of being rude. Let's not forget I never said anything rude or offensive and the first off color comment was someone saying that it just plain sucked, and thats ok apparently because I wrote about animal sexuality and not something else. If I wrote about losing one of my grandparents and someone commented that is sucked and was just plain stupid they would not receive the applause haters of this piece are getting. So you see, it's discrimination against a specific art form and it's not fair.
post #56 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by badgerskunk View Post
I will admit that I am a poor write and that every claim I have made is false if someone can provide a single shred of evidence...

the first sentence in your story is a run-on. there you go - you're a bad writer. happy?

and as for calling what you do 'art', well, lemme know how that ends up working for you, K? you have a helluva lot to learn, so stop trying to defend yourself and go spend some time figuring out why certain things considered shocking are called 'art' and why the rest is just some douchebag trying his best to be edgy.
post #57 of 79
well for one it was boring it didn't pull me in, in the least!
like courtzzz said it was dry and dull and you lost me very early on. I was so confused I had to read it again to be sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. Also you said it is a funny story in your title... yet... it's not funny at all at least not to me and judging from others comments not to them either.

I say keep practicing your writing then and don't read into what people say as much as you have been because you're just confusing yourself and others.
post #58 of 79
a bit harsh but sigmatic does have a point... and you do seem to be trying a tad hard
post #59 of 79
I have a funnier camping story that actually happened, but I am debating sharing it
post #60 of 79
Thread Starter 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nova View Post
it was dry
It was DRY? Were we reading the same story?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nova View Post
Also you said it is a funny story in your title... yet... it's not funny at all at least not to me and judging from others comments not to them either.
It is funny in that it makes you think about sexual mores in a new way and the inclusion of bears makes it slightly cute despite its very mature subject matter
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nova View Post
I say keep practicing your writing then and don't read into what people say as much as you have been because you're just confusing yourself and others.
I am not confused and I think I am being clear in defense of my semi-fictional short story.

Listen, I am sorry you didn't like but you can critique it without putting me down and trying to hurt my feelings, I am not complete aloof and uncaring I do actual value people's opinion and I want to work on my technical writing ability but I do still feel pretty strongly like there is a degree of discrimination here simply because it is a story about animal fetish sex.
post #61 of 79
Thread Starter 

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sigmatic View Post
the first sentence in your story is a run-on. there you go - you're a bad writer. happy?
So a single run on sentence is enough to meet the criteria for a "bad" writer? Surely assuming this definition would exclude every famous writer that ever lived.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sigmatic View Post
and as for calling what you do 'art', well, lemme know how that ends up working for you, K?
Despite your obvious sarcasm in your request I will actually let you know how it works out if it dow
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sigmatic View Post
you have a helluva lot to learn, so stop trying to defend yourself and go spend some time figuring out why certain things considered shocking are called 'art' and why the rest is just some douchebag trying his best to be edgy.
Name calling surely doesn't help your argument, and my aim was far higher than simply to be viewed as "edgy".
post #62 of 79
you changed the thread title again, dude. stop it.
post #63 of 79
Seriously, just stop talking. You sound like more and more of an idiot with each post. Sigmatic hit the nail on the head. Listen to him and spend less time trying to defend your babble and more time trying to improve your "writing style."

I second the vote for a lock.
post #64 of 79
i third
post #65 of 79
Thread Starter 
No, don't lock it. You are right, I will rewrite the story with all your suggestions in mind.
post #66 of 79
I have a better idea...

stfu
post #67 of 79
This is kind of like a bad dream that you just can't wake up from.
post #68 of 79
FAIL.
post #69 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by badgerskunk View Post
I would be offended if it weren't for the fact that it was just a dream I had and not a story I wrote with the intention of being received as funny.....

actually ges wut?....

It WASN'T A DREAM, it was a story I wrote, based on a dream I WANT to have.


SUCIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
post #70 of 79
...story sucked anyway...
post #71 of 79
yea u keep saying you get your story blah blah blah but fact is no one likes it so i think it's time to move on
post #72 of 79
Thread Starter 

Hilarious Nature Story, WARNING: ADULT THEME

I took your advice and I rewrote the story to make it more relevant and relatable. I really took my time, please don't just write it off as silly, I have actually been working on the second draft since I wrote the first but I have finally finished and have made revisions based on input from fellow forum members. Please try to keep an open mind when you read.

The Moment of God's Destruction
by: badgerskunk

I recline the seat in my old Buick and lay back, this is how I spend every lunchbreak. I don't like being around people, or animals for that matter, for too long. My mind wanders, I begin to contemplate the things they may be capable of, the things I know they are capable of.

I hear in the distance a dog, and instantly I am transported back to that place, that place to which I wish I would never return.

The two bears, fishing. I remember the exciting feeling, the wonder at all of God's creation and the thought that he had given us a gift today, he had allowed us a window into his power, to view these grizzlies fishing in the river. Out of respect we stay a hundred yards out on the ridge viewing them through the binoculars. Everything seemed perfect at that moment, being there in the wilderness with my father camping, the warm sun on my shoulders, not even the flies buzzing around my face could bother me this day. The mood was about to change though...

I am back in the car, my eyes open, I realize I was there again, I was in that moment from which I fear I may never escape. I start the car and turn on the air. Why can't I forgot, oh god, why won't you let me forget.

The first glimmer that something is amiss... the bear catches the fish and carries it over to a small puddle of water, holding it down with his paw and then watching the other bear. This continues for minutes while the other bear continues to fish. I remember it felt colder suddenly, a gust of wind. I noticed the smile left my fathers face, something was wrong, something was about to happen...

I turn the car off and walk back into work and sit down at my desk. I check my schedule and remember I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon. I am not looking forward to it, I am still unsure if rehashing it over and over does anything but create more turmoil for me. The screen is blank, there was a power surge they tell me, a storm is coming in. I stare blankly at the screen and I notice my reflection in the black monitor, it reminds me of the look on my fathers face that day.

"Son.... what is that bear doing"
"I don't know Dad..."
We both stare through our binoculars in silence now. The other bear catches a fish and the one that was holding his in the small puddle excitedly gets up and carries his in his mouth over to a small clearing. The other bear follows.

The sun is covered by a cloud. It gets colder still.

The first bear places his fish on the ground facing the other bear a few feet away, he orients the fish towards the other bear with his fish. I get a distinct feeling in my stomach that these two fish are related, CLOSELY related. Something is wrong, something bad is about to happen.

"Josh!... Josh!"

"oh hey, sorry I was drifting off... did you need something?"

"yeah... I was just going to remind you to get your food out of the fridge... it's Friday and they are cleaning it out today... are you ok?"

"yeah yeah I'm fine... he he, sorry I know I was zoning there for a second..."

In reality I wasn't fine, I was in my moment, my horrible moment, as soon as she leaves it comes flooding back, my eyes glass over and my arms begin to tremble. The bears claw slices cleanly down the belly of his trout and the other trout held watching begins screaming "God NOOOOOO GOD NOOOOOOOO PLEASE GOD PLEASE GOD" thrashing fruitlessly against the bears grasp as he watches the insides spill out of his sister. At this point the gut feeling about the closeness of the two fish is so intense that I am made aware with 100% certainty that they are kin. I watch as the fish witnesses his sister writhe in pain, gargling blood, seeing all her organs fall beneath her. Now it is sure, she is descending into the abyss of death.

I slump in my chair, my shoulders shaking as I weep. A few coworkers notice but are afraid to say anything. I am weeping now clearly and everyone within a few cubicles can hear my sniffles. I bury my face in my arms, I beg god to let this memory go, to destroy it, to turn back time.

The moment is here, time stands still and everything goes quiet. I can see the brother trouts mouth move as his captor smiles and grimaces but I can't hear his screams. His eyes are wide as saucers, every muscle in his face taught and flexed screaming so hard I'm sure his mouth will rip wide open. When recounting the story in therapy my father says at this point I was muttering "no... no... no" but I don't remember anything but the tingling light headed indescribable feeling that everything I thought I knew about this world, this life, good and evil, was about to come crashing down.

I am on the floor now in the fetal position beneath my desk, I am hyperventilating but I may as well be dead and gone because I am back there, I am out of my body and I am back in that moment again.

The bear lays on his back with his shoulders sitting upward propped against a stump.

He slides the trouts sisters body over his erect penis, and begins to vigorously and angrily masturbate using her hollowed out body.

Everything in my vision goes fuzzy as I see the brother stare on, doing something that the word "screaming" just doesn't do justice, until he finally loses consciousness and goes limp. The bear is beating more and more furiously and just as the brother fishes body goes limp he finishes and the bears ejaculate erupts inside the fish and a sizable amount squeezes out the top of her mouth trickling down and inside all the crevices of her now mangled and deformed body. Just before he tosses her aside I see something that makes me vomit in my mouth a bit: she blinks. She is still holding on to life. Her brother is groggy and muttering "no... no...." as he lay with his eyes half open, wishing this were all just a horrible dream, wishing desperately that they could have just been quickly dispatched like every other trout caught by normal emotionally healthy bears.

It isn't over. I have urinated on myself underneath my desk and my sobbing has stopped, I am now just biting my fist as hard as I can and my face is held tight in a grimace. Blood trickles down my knuckles.

The bear holding the brother walks over to a tripod that I have now just noticed half concealed in the bushes. There is a red light... my god, they are filming it. The bear reaches in a black leather bag beneath the tripod and grabs a latex Mr. Rogers mask, but the eyes and mouth have zippers across them. He giddily slides it over his head, he is trembling with excitement. The other bear reaches into the bag and grabs a length of rope and binds the masked bears paws behind his back then kicks him to his knees. The other bear unzips the mouth on the mask for him, then feeds him the mutilated bear sperm covered body of the sister trout which he eats with absolute joy letting out a barely audible squeal as he finishes the last bite.

The rest I cannot remember, I know that my dad had to carry me back to camp. I woke up a few hours later in a hot sweat, swearing up and down that god was a lie, that's all I would say... "god is a lie"

beneath my desk, I feel a dark black surround me, my heart seems to be seizing, my breath is short, through squinted tear filled eyes I make out the figures of my fellow employees looking on. I see an EMT kneel down.... I see my grandma and grandfather with open arms, and I walk towards them... I finally leave my moment forever.
post #73 of 79
Thread Starter 

.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmy View Post
I have a better idea...

stfu
I rewrote the story with some of your suggestions in mind and I have actually responded to feedback even if I seem defensive I do value your guys opinion so please re read the second draft.
post #74 of 79
that sucks
post #75 of 79
I say this with all seriousness...is that a form of transference through fiction? Did you lose a sibling through a violent death or some other trauma? Or is it just a bizarre piece of writing?
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